Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
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astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
*Seductively hides in the woods
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
and now we wait
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up