I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
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I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
When you try jalapeños for the first time
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.