Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
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the chicken was already gone when I got here
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Feels
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.