I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
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There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I didn’t come here to be called names
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.