*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they鈥檙e 100% not listening.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
HR said no more nunchucks.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My dog doesn鈥檛 wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She鈥檚 my best friend in the world!
Me: What鈥檚 her name?
4: I don鈥檛 remember.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I鈥檓 wiping off the paint from every part of the house
When you let grandma cat sit
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 馃槅
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
You have been warned.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
can鈥檛 wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”