ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Merry Christmas
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.