GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
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How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
all that yoga finally paid off
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Only a mother’s love …
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
welp
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.