Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
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*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable