A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I am, perchance
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable