Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
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DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity