I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
You Might Also Like
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Message from the dog groomers
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.