The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
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(by @ZachWeiner )
How it started: How it’s going:
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Watson was Holmes schooled
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.