It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
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Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk