If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.