Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
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roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.