*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
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I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu