A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
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Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Mmmm canned fish.
this makes me so uncomfortable
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Cake!!
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.