My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
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I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
It be like that sometimes 😆
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish