Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
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Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Have kids, they said
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.