My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
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celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.