*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
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If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Thoughts
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck