“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
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Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
a badder mouse
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?