I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
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It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.