Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
boat question
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?