I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
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Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.