Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
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Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*