if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
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My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
🙂🐾
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no