If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
worst…sale…ever
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons