[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
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If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs