I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
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[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Plant care tips
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*