6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
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Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.