I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
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A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war