The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
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I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free