“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
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if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?