how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
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Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My typo game is string.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.