Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
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when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
had to make it
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.