Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
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Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”