Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
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Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.