I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.