Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
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when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
this will hang in the louvre one day
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick