Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
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A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
🙂🐾
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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