This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
You Might Also Like
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
This is me
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning