“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
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just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.