The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
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If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”