When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
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[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Netflix: We have Less
seems like a niche market
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.