My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
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This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
this isn’t threatening at all
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks