A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
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You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.