The fall of Netflix
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it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”