Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
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My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
fair
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither