Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
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Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!